Fuck You, Vanity Fair!

Tristram Shandy would never stoop so low as to call for a boycott. That kind of shit's for the "I-wuz-hijacked-by-9/11" crowd. However, we must spit in the general direction of Vanity Fair for firing Andrew Krucoff. 1) VF, you suck ass. In case TS readers didn't know, we take great delight in informing you that, no, Graydon Carter does not write his own editor's letter. Dick. 2) We're going to go one further than Miss Coen, and pray that you fuckers lose even more lawsuits. Like when the Proust estate finally gets around to suing your fucking asses for defamation of character. On the plus side, we assume that it's only a matter of days before he starts working at the Observer, where his talents will be better suited. Peter W. Kaplan is a far better man.

Jesus Is My Puppeteer

President George W. Bush told Palestinian ministers that God had told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq - and create a Palestinian State, a new BBC series reveals. August 25, 2005 "Georgie, idle hands, devil's playground, as you know damn well. So, here's the agenda: New Orleans will incur My wrath. Right, the "happy place with the tits, beads and sad black folk"... I want you to be a little slow coming out of the gate, if you know what I mean. Right! Just like 9/11! Casualties? Oooooh, sure. 954 corpses in Louisiana, alone. But you know the expression: "It is My will!" Then -- and I know this'll seem weird, Little Buddy, but bear with Me -- stick Miers on the bench. Right, the one with the mascara issues who works down the hall... Executive privilege on her papers? Sure! Next up: remember Job? Riiiiiiiight. Yes, well, just as he suffered, so shall large numbers of swarthy Iraqis... Remember that measure that would regulate the detention, interrogation and treatment of prisoners held by the American military? Yes! The "liberal, pussified, white glove amendment."I want you to veto the shit out of it..." UPDATE: C&L readers, we -- as always -- humbly welcome you.

"Formless stacks of bodies and bodies..." --Whitman

"Even the dead are going to have to take care of themselves on this one," a New Orleans native told a reporter. We wondered: whose bodies rest in Metairie Cemetery, the most prominent of New Orleans cemeteries? Via FindAGrave.com: Dorothy Dix: No Paula Froelich she, Dix -- nee Elizabeth Meriwether Gilmer -- was an advice columnist who wrote of life, love, and marriage in widely syndicated dispatches. One of her most famous columns covered her ten "Dictates for a Happy Life." She was also the author of How to Win and Hold a Husband, Hearts A La Mode, and Fables of the Elite. Jim Garrison: Garrison was the New Orleans D.A. whose investigation into John F. Kennedy's assassination led to the trial of businessman Clay Shaw -- the only person ever brought to trial in connection with the assassination. Shaw was acquitted, and subsequently villainized in Oliver Stone's JFK. In the last decade, historians have generally agreed that Garrison went after Shaw largely because Shaw was a homosexual. Melvin "Mel" Ott: A Hall-of-Famer, Ott played for the New York Giants from the time he played his first game in 1926 until he was replaced as their manager in 1948. A lefty, he took advantage of the short right field fence in Polo Grounds and hit 511 career home runs. Ott had a beautiful stance. Louis Prima: The voice of "King Louie" in Disney's The Jungle Book. He was married to Keely Smith (divorced). Says allmusic.com: "A tireless showman and an underrated musical talent, Louis Prima swung his way to icon status thanks to an irresistible, infectious sound whose appeal translated across generations." Jefferson Davis: The body of Davis is long-gone, but it was here for a while. Davis was the highest-ranking confederate leader of the South. He was, in the words of FindAGrave, "[t]he only Southern leader shackled in a dungeon and sacrificed as atonement for the sins of many." He refused to apply for a pardon because, he said, "I have not repented." Davis backed the Southern cause to the end. His epitaph reads: At Rest/An American Soldier/And Defender of the Constitution. UPDATE: Crooks and Liars! Must...restrain...ourselves...from...engaging...in...Simon-like...onanism... ANOTHER UPDATE: Yesterday, the Los Angeles Times reported, "[I]n Metairie ... at one of the largest "cities of the dead," floodwater is coursing through the graves, and no one knows what, or whom, will be swept out."

Bob Dole's A [Cough, Cough] Jackass... Pass It On.

We at TS, by a vote of three-to-one, have declared that Sen. Bob Dole's piece in today's Times on the Lugar-Pence bill is (how you say?) a self-serving white wash of crap. The war hero (who, we can't resist mentioning, questioned the veracity of John Kerry's war wounds) says: As someone with a long record of government service, I must admit that I did not always appreciate the inquisitive nature of the press. This is true. But it's no surprise that, in the wake of the unmasking -- and justified canonization -- of Deep Throat, Dole won't come entirely clean. For that, we'll have to take advantage of Amazon's good nature and consult former Post editor Ben Bradlee's autobiography. To the Batmobile! Now, in this light, doesn't this next graf seem, well, ridiculous? But I do understand that the purpose of a reporter's privilege is not to somehow elevate journalists above other segments of society. Instead, it is designed to help guarantee that the public continues to be well informed. Which is precisely what Bob Dole spent the Watergate years trying to prevent. And let's not ever forget about that little-remembered speech that Dole -- who, according to this Op-Ed, is worried that "dozens of whistle-blowers [won't be able to] share information about government wrongdoing" -- gave in Baltimore in which he said (care of The Good Life) The Washington Post was, in their attempts to uncover the truth, a "partner in mud-slinging"? Hardly sounds like the right guy to shill for Lugar and Pence, no? UPDATE: Whew! Crooked Timber and Romenesko readers, make yourselves comfortable.